This movie has been out for some time now, but I just happened to run across it on Netflix the other day with my son and his Goosebumps crazed self. I thought it would be a great, spooky one to watch being that the rating was on point for him…or so I thought. Bear with me because I’m about break this movie down piece by freaking piece…just like she should have done that dummy before busting up outta that house.
Gist of the story…so this young American lady goes to somewhere far far away on a babysitting gig. Everything seems legit and when she pulls up to the place, it’s a castle so basically, I’m thinking she’s about to get paid! She walks in and soon enough meets THE BOY…and his creepy freaking parents. First off, if you have watched the movie already, there would not have been enough money for me to stay in that house with a creepy butt doll named Brahms. Honestly, I would have quit that hour and told them to pay me for that whole entire 60 minutes of freakshow.
But to cut to it… Greta, the babysitter, decides to stay after they eyeball scold her for laughing at their dummy son who is sitting there wrapped in plastic skin. I mean, he is literally a doll. Brahms couldn’t breakdance if he tried.
The parents take her through all the duties she has for Brahms, including reading him a story loudly, allowing him to listen to the most irritating music on the face of this green and blue earth and the doofiest part of all, kissing this mug goodnight. To my satisfaction, Greta didn’t do any such thing. She tossed that sucker on a chair after Mama Dunce and Papa Cluts left to jump in a river…seriously, they really did…grabbed her some vintage wine or a glass of some wealthy stuff they had in that big, spooky mansion and started to chill. She even decided to shoot her shot with the garbage boy, or whoever he was, that also worked for the owners of the mansion.
Here is where the story started to get going. Brahms the dummy moved ALL BY HIMSELF. That sucker was calling her on the phone, sitting up in the bed with the dang list of chores she didn’t do for his lazy butt, and get this…he even made her a sandwich. Put it right by the door like she was a dog or something so she could eat it. While he was doing all this, she was screaming her whole head off, quite possibly going coo coo. I’m not gonna lie, dead I would have been because a window I would have cleared all the way down to the bottom floor in one big splat. There would not have been any amount of curiosity that would have made me open that room door or eat that poisoned sandwich that the demon possessed doll made me.
But Greta isn’t me. Greta did the opposite. You know, they say white people do the darndest things in movies, and she lived up to that calling very well. Come to imagine it, they probably wanted a young black lady to fill this role but heck to the nah. Believability hits an all time low with that one because no black woman is walking around with an alive dummy, kissing it and reading it bedtime stories. The lies. I imagine they had no choice but to hire my homegirl from The Walking Dead for this role because she’s already used to dealing with a bunch of walking dummies in the first place.
Anyway, sorry for getting off track. Greta suddenly stops screaming and gets curious like I said, opens the door, and starts to love on Brahms, figuring that hey, there must be a real dead boy inside this toy doll. She decides to look like a quack and be loyal to this non-breathing doll, even when garbage boy comes and tells her about the lurking spirit that could be in the doll. Turns out that Brahms was a freaking killer kid IN REAL LIFE who took the life of one of his homegirls before he died in a fire.
At that, I would have been gone again. But…she stayed. Now warning…if you want to watch the movie for yourself, I advise you to stop here.
Brahms ain’t a doll. That mug is a full grown man that came his big gigantic butt out of the wall when the fake doll Brahms got 86’ed by Greta’s domestic violence, Me Too violator ex boyfriend who busted up in the house and thought just what I thought — babysitting a doll has got to be a joke. He got spooked by the doll, so he 86’ed it like I stated. This is when the BRAHMS AIN’T NO DOLL comes in full effect, and I’m gonna be honest, all visible life forms froze around me in my living room as I watched THE REAL BRAHMS stand the flip up and go Jason Voorhees on everyone in the room. Ye-heh-hes, he did!
The whole entire movie went from PG-14 to R in 2 seconds as he went full out psycho. Of course, Greta ran up out the house, and I applauded her for that smart move…until she stopped at the gate talking about she’s gonna save the garbage boy with whom she was falling in love. Greta…chyy…you aren’t in love yet. My thoughts at this point were didn’t one man almost beat your brains in (the ex), and now you’re going to turn back around to save a dude who is probably already dead while THE REAL LIFE BRAHMS is about to have you for freaking dinner because let’s face it, he’s one picky psycho and you didn’t cook him dinner yet so he’s probably even more ticked at the fact that you forgot that ONE DUTY.
She heads back and to keep it short, she winds up killing him and driving off onto her next hellish journey as the credits roll. BUT…as the credits roll…we find out that Brahms ain’t even dead. He has glued that dummy doll back together again. Part 2? Hope not. End that mug right there. Let him die of starvation after cannibalism fails.
I gave this movie a 4 out of 5 actually. It was different. I like different. Plus, I’m happy that Greta (real name Lauren Cohen) got herself some sort of life away from The Walking Dead…like every other star minus one or two in the zombie apocalypse.
But anyway, if you want to check out one of my thrillers, you know what to do below.
It all started when Trina secretly throws a big house party at her parents’ six bedroom home while they are out of town. Things at the party are fired up, with partygoers stretched from wall to wall, until the party comes to an abrupt end. Trina believes that everyone has left for the night, but she soon discovers that not everyone has left her home.
There is someone still there.
Her life takes a deadly turn, putting her at odds with a deranged stranger who just won’t leave her house or her alone!